I borrowed a book from the local library the other day which I still haven't got around to reading much of (yes I read the fiction first...........). It is called Character building - written by a catholic educationalist. It lists a whole lot of virtues we should aim to inculcate in our children. Even without reading this book, just looking at the chpater headings has been making me think about a virtue focussed upbringing. I think it is quite a handy way to be thoughtful and intentional as a parent, as you can have the virtues you want for them in your head (by the way, I feel for the sake of honesty that I should say I have my days when being intentional as a parent is not on the rader and instead having us all get through the day in one piece is more the goal ;) ). Here is his list of virtues:
audacity (more like boldness for the good). flexibility. fortitude. friendship. generousity. humility. industriousness. justice.loyalty. moderation (more like lack of ostentation). modesty (more like respect of privacy). Obedience. Orderliness. Optimism. Patience. Patriotism (which aslso supports other countries). Perserverance. Prudence. Respect for others. Responsibility. Simplicity (more like authenticity). Sincerity. Sociability. Understanding.
Negatives first:
1. In the bit I have read, he suggests that before 7, you can only really concentrate on 3 virtues - obedience, sincerity and orderliness. I think this is rather pessimistic and limiting, though I notice he does address small kids when he looks at the other virtues.
2. Where is love or grace or compassion?? Certainly several of these virtues would be acting in love, but I would like to have this emphasised.
3. Not all virtues are of equal importance - I certainly am not sure I would focus on patriotism - though perhaps I would prefer to call this social responsility, and act on a global as well as local scale. (By the way, I am actually a very patriotic person, but I'm not sure how important it is that I am!)
Positives:
1. Many of these are directly biblically based, while others may be supported more indirectly. Others are wise ways to deal with life.
2. I think this list is quite widereaching and encourages you to think about qualities that otherwise you might forget.
Some I have been thinking about with my kids lately:
Flexibility - the book makes it clear this is not flexibility about all things! Some things we need to stand firm on. I have been thinking about this with Sparky, as he as I have mentioned before is very structured - which sometimes verges on the obsessional, and I think it is helpful for me to not pander to his self imposed rules, for his sake, as life will be easier if he is flexible, and for the sake of others because I think flexibility can be a real other centred virtue.
Fortitude - this is something I have been intentional about with both kids, though perhaps I think not giving enough sympathy at times, as Sparky is now refusing cuddles sometimes when he is hurt, so I think I need now to stress that it is OK to get the help you need! I think it is good for even small kids to realise that sometimes things can be hard, and it is better to carry on and do your best rather than whinging. I think this results in children who are competent, and also ones who will not look for someone to blame (like God!) or someone to revenge themselves on when things don't go their way. After all, as Rom 5:3-5 says: And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. (NRSV)
Understanding - lately I have been trying to awaken empathy in Sparky - this is an uphill battle with a 3 year old, and maybe overly ambitious, but we will see!
What virtues are you focussing on? Are there any you would take off from the list? any you would add?
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3 comments:
I think understanding (empathy) is an age-based thing. In other words, all things being equal, it will come! Also, it comes in girls quicker than boys.
I would emphasise honesty. We try to make sure that all truth gets listened to... even truth that is unpleasant (to child or parent). Then the child's feelings are not minimised or dismissed, but there is still room for fortitude and flexibility to be taught.
I've long felt that empathy is one of the most important things to teach kids and I also think it's never too early to start! It does come easier to some kids than others, Dave and Cait both had a highly developed sense of empathy from very early on, Tom not so much - he's getting there though.
Honesty would be pretty high on my list too, as would generosity and optimism. Optimism as in Learned Optimism which I've found a very helpful idea in dealing with David's anxiety issues.
yeah honesty very important - we have been teaching Sparky things like - if you are angry with mummy, you can tell her that, but you can't hit her - this has worked really well - he now will sometimes tell us his negative meotion, and this gives us a chance to talk about it with him. Also if i think he has done something wrong, if he fesses up i am easier on him than if he doesnt.
optimism is good too - I think of this as hope. we try to do that too.
yeah, re fortitude, I am trying to be more aware of my bias here - I am a very stoic person (I think due to dealing with quite a bit of pain in early years), and so my tendency is to think oh just get over it!!! Bhaer is the opposite, so maybe we balance out...
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