security and competency

I have been thinking about and struggling with the issue of developing both security and competency in my children. This is a similar issue to how you balance love and discipline with children, but I guess a slightly different perspective.

It has been on my mind a bit recently due not only to the constant work of parenting, but also because I have been reading about a book that we bought from a fete - a novel - about 3 damaged children at an experimental school - more about that when I finish it perhaps (if you are interested, it is Borderliners by Peter Hoeg).

I want my kids to feel that I love and am interested in them no matter what. Pretty fundamental for happiness and peace in this world. I want them to be secure. But I also want children who can cope with this world. I want them to be competent. So, for instance, when one of my kids hurts himself (btw not gender exclusive, just I only have boys!), how much sympathy do you show? He needs to know that I care when he is hurt, but also that he is able to pick himself up and keep on going.

Lately I have been a bit draconian about cup spills with Sparky - we had trouble changing him over to a non lidded cup because he just would not take responsibility for it. He could use it, but he wouldnt keep aware of where it was, so would knock it over. Eventually I did 2 things - 1- introduced negative consequences for spills due to carelessness (not genuine accidents) 2 - stopped giving him lidded cups. 1 - had some effect but 2 - was the most effective.

Was it important that he use a non lidded cup? probably not in and of itself, although now Owl is using a cup, good not to get them confused for hygiene.

Rather, it became symbolic of something larger for me - that I needed to teach him responsibility and self control - if he was able to do something, then I wanted him to do it. I dont require for instance that he dress himself, but I currently do require that he undress himself except for tops - which I give some help with.

I have noticed that I tend on the whole to require more competency than others - though not as much as some!

But lately, I have been worrying again about showing more grace - the whole cup issue made sparky a bit TOO worried about accidents, and I don't want him to feel he can't mistakes.

i have a vague memory of reading an article about this by someone like stephanie dowrick - anyone recall?

then of course there is the whole issue of different personalities - Sparky is very dtermined and has drive which will help him, but he is , oddly, not very independent - he likes you doing something for him. So I feel the need to encourage independence.

Owl, seems to be less driven - much more likely to give up on mastering something, but on the otherhand more independent. I think I will need to encourage him to persist.

a flair for the dramatic?

sparky - (sorry another cute anecdote!!!) - has been showing a very dramatic turn of speech lately. Instances:
1. yesterday when I was ignoring the repeated mum!s from the backseat of the car because you know I actually wanted to talk to my husband for a change. - he exclaimed with a flourish "Ladies and gentleman, I said MUM!"
2. today when we set off for a walk with Owl in the pram, he came up to the pram and announced (with perfect intonation too) Follow that pram!
I have the sneaking suspicion that a lot of the time he is in his own mind not a boy, but a ringmaster, or policeman or...... so I am left trying to work out at times what part I am currently playing.

friends not links

If you are in the group who read my blog regularly (as far as I am aware a very select group indeed lol), you might have noticed I recently changed my section links to be titled friends. That is because I had a think about who I should link to and why. Which led me to thinking about the purpose of my blog. There are lots of different types of blogs out there (based around businesses, philosophies, interests etc) and so there are lots of different reasons for who is included in links. No one way is the best, it depends on what your blog is for. This blog I have decided is, and always has been, about friendship - in the sense not that I talk about that necessarily, but that I use it to maintain and enrich my friendships. So I have a single criterion for my links section: I link to genuine friends. So a link doesnt mean I agree or disagree, or that I am similar or dissimilar to those blog writers. I impose no such limits on my friends that we must agree or be like each other! Since those linked to are my friends though, if you visit them, please treat them kindly and gently - I love them.

cute evil?

I just bought a bday cake book for Ethan to choose his bday cake from - and what really annoyed me was that for the 6 bday cake - in shape of 6 - it was a little devil. This always bugs me! I hate that you can get little devil costumes for toddlers, and little devil cuddly toys or valentines - what is cute about evil? You may think I'm overreacting, but I think it is very clever and subtle way of making us feel that talking about absolute evil is somehow a bit silly - thus allowing it to go on all around us.

sparky quotes

I couldn't resist sharing these with you.
1) Sparky - almost 3 - has just been looking at a baby pig on tv, which I tell him is called a piglet. After some time, he says to me "what do you call a baby hit?" thinking I know where this is going I suggest - "hitlet?" he says no, a high five! a deliberate joke as he burst out laughing.
2) Having just played a game with lofty (the crane from Bob the builder) lifting things, he says to me, mum, why isn't he called lifty? why indeed?

what is important

Last night I watched a DVD at church about the spread of christianity in a very large Asian country that is anti christian....it was very moving to see the hope people had in the midst of suffering.
A couple of things struck me:
I complain too much - my question for the week to myself when i get all whingy is 'are you in prison?'
the acceptance of women as teaching missionaries/ministers in this situation - i think when a situation is urgent, then it strips away all the non essentials, revealing what is important - surely it is most important that Christ is preached, whoever does it????? (imho)

tv versus internet

Only a few years ago, i was astounded that the gen yers that i knew really didn't watch Tv and instead spent time on the net. I didn't use the net until I was an adult, at my first job post uni - in 1996 - and didn't get it at home until 1999.

i have enjoyed it from the start, but as i grew up on tv not net, i didn't see tv watching getting taken over.

but i have to admit, the net is drawing me in more and tv is drawing me less. Surfing, ebay, facebook, blogs, email - on the net i can direct what I am interested in a lot more, rather than being stuck with the very few options of today's free to air tv.

As a relational kinda girl, I am interested though in how it affects these - I think it is good for relationships outside my family - instead of sitting watching tv i am often on the net interacting. but i think it isn't as good for my r/ship with my husband - tv watching can be a shared activity, but with the net we sit in different rooms - even now we are watching tv, but i am also on the net.

quizzy

A friend (Hi MIM) had this little badge on her blog, so I couldn't resist and did the tests. regular readers would know I am INFP, though this shows the relative strengths of each scale. The multi intelligences though is interesting - I wasn't too surprised, though musical came a little higher than I would think. Have lately though been keen to get back into my singing.