So, in the movie of your life

Who would play your family?

My eldest Sparky would be Thomas Sangster when he was younger - who is that? see the clip below from Love Actually



My husband would be Jack Davenport - see clip below. Love the song title ;). Edit: my apologies, the song has some swearing - can tell I wasn't listening when I watched. If that's a problem, turn the sound off)Edit 2: Seeing as how I myself read blogs with my small kids around, I've changed the clip!



I have just asked my husband who would play me (feeling unequal to the task of working out myself). He reckons either Cameron Diaz or Helena Christensen, switches to acting and dyes her hair blonde (OH, ok say I, and also manages to get a shorter frame with a more normal BMI....) Gotta love the husband's eye view!

Here's a picture of both of them pointing out how similar they look

I can't think of anyone for the cute Scout though. That would have to be one seriously cute child actor :D.

So, your mission should you choose to accept it: who would play you and yours?

Equal Parenting?

I was intrigued to read an article recently about a couple who advocate a strict form of equal parenting, called Equally Shared Parenting. In this model, parents do the same amount of childcare, same amount of house tasks, and same hours at work.

Already, it sounds very inflexible doesn't it? It seems to me only some couples would have the ability to choose exactly equal hours at work - and in the present economic climate, employees will be grateful for retaining their job, even if it isn't exactly the right number of hours. Different jobs have a different degree of flexibility, too.

For us, my work is more flexible than my husband's work. I have also wanted to breastfeed, and with both sons was unable to pump. I have been blessed however, that Bhaer's work isn't high powered overtime kinda work, and so he has been working around a 4 day week while the kids are little, while I have worked a roughly 2.5 day week (20 hours), from 3 months old with both boys, including being able to do some of that work at home. So, because he works more hours at a paid job than myself, and also for 2 years was studying (both of us agreed it was the right time for him to do this) I have taken up more of the childcare and housework. This, I think, is a fair enough way to do things in the present state of society, and shouldn't be made to look like it somehow suppresses me as a woman (though you may argue that society as a whole should be more supportive of all parents!), or shortchanges our children.

Yet that said, when out of curiosity I went to their website, I found their approach did have something going for it. I used their toolbox, which enables you to calculate how many tasks of childcare, paid work, housework and recreation you each take on. The idea is that you try to even this out, which I don't think is necessary or always achievable.

Yet it was worthwhile to look at how we divide things.

I found that while I do do more housework, when all tasks are taken into consideration such as paying bills, or arranging house maintenance, Bhaer is doing more than I gave him credit for, especially given he does do more paid work. Perhaps then, if I am dissatisfied with this, it is that I want to share tasks rather then divide them up. It might be fairer then for me to say I could take on for instance some bill paying, if he does some more dishwashing, rather than make it sound like he does nothing. Or to acknowledge what he does, but admit that I need a bit more help (i.e. my needs, rather than his slackness being the issue).

I also discovered that neither of us gets much recreation. As a couple then, we need to help each other both do this, rather than sit around feeling pity for ourselves.

The area of real inequity (rather than just perceived) was strangely, in tasks to do with the children. It was not only that I did more childcare generally, which is how our arrangement works and was OK with me, but that I took on every child related task - some were shared, and many were just me, and there was only one task really that he did rather than me. Tasks included, for instance, buying pressies for kids' friends, managing the kids' wardrobes, packing the bag to go out. This has several consequences. Firstly, it is a hidden source of stress and work for me. This revealed why I felt overworked. It also meant that while I spend time with the kids doing tasks, when Bhaer is with them it can be more about fun. So it was unfair on me and the kids. But it was also unfair I think, for Bhaer. I then am perceived by the children as the one who gets things done and knows what's what. It is not that Bhaer refuses to do these things - it is just that he doesn't even think about them needing to be done. And I don't tell him. So, it told me that these tasks must also be considered when we review our schedules.

I guess where I come to after all that, is not to say we all should be splitting everything down the middle. That's not how life works (breastfeeding for instance, is hard to share equally.....). Rather, that however we decide to split things up, it can be helpful to do so in detail taking into account ALL the tasks of family life. That way, we can make informed decisions about how our family works, rather than falling into patterns that we may/may not be happy with, and may/may not work.

Hmm, what do I call that? Thoughtful, considered parenting perhaps?

2008 review 2009 preview

I just looked at my post a year ago about 2008. I did great at my goals for the kids. Sparky did pretty much all except for startng music, but we did informal stuff. Scout (previously Owl) also did all, though moral education for him was tougher than with our eldest!!

I didn't do so well at goals for myself. Most were about finding time for things other than kids and work, and the only area I did better in this regard was housework. The one I did well was helping my kids to understand the bigness of God's love, so this pleased me.

I feel happy that I am a better mother than I sometimes feel i am day to day - that while it can feel like you are getting nowhere,looking back over a year, we got there. But my self care needs work, and my care for relationships other than kids.

As for 2009:

Sparky: get him ready for school. read the bible with him. Help him to have greater responsiblity, compassion and patience. Make him feel very loved.

Scout: get him ready for preschool - including toilet trained. Introduce him to first knowledge of God. Help him to be more obedient and careful, without dampening his wonderful sense of adventure. Make him feel very loved.

Me: find time for all the things I struggled to last year: relaxation, my husband, my friends, prayer. Lose a little bit of weight and help my husband Bhaer to as well. start the doctorate - but have some time wth no-one in house studying first! Become a more gracious person.

Memories...

I have always thought that memory was one of the things that give you identity, meaning and relationship. I still think that, and so when people ask me whether we remember each other in heaven I say of course. But visiting my grandmother I have seen the other side of memory in this faulty world of ours. As she slips further nto dementia, she is the happiest she has been in years. One reason is I believe she can't recall those things which gave her regret and bitterness. What seems to stay with her the most is the people she loves. She can't always remember names - but she remembers the relationships between people better. She always remembers who I am, even if sometimes my name escapes her. Perhaps ths is what is behind the biblical use of remembrance - God no longer remembers our sin, but remembers us and so saves us. It is not then that God can't recall our sin, but that like a lost memory it no longer has any power.

Living to a good old age??

My grandmother continues in hospital, alive and slowly getting better, but not very happy or motivated to stay alive. It almost seems that maybe it would have been kinder if she had died, but I trust in God that there is a reason for her staying with us. She turns 90 in less a month, and watching her and also remembering my grandfather post 90 (he died aged 93 a couple of years ago), I recently said to my family that I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay alive past 90, particularly as I have a hope of better things! Of course, medicine may improve the lot of 90 year olds in 56 years time. (on the other hand I do wish to get past the death ages of my other grandparents, one 50s and the other 60s )

I have been reflecting a lot on what makes old age liveable. I thought I might share with you my thoughts about this, though I suspect I will be thinking through these issues continually as I age. So, here are my preliminary thoughts.

Old age becomes liveable if you have:

1. A rich interior life. Although we can do our best to stay in good physical condition for as long as possible, if we live long enough, there comes a time when we will be forced to be less active. We are then forced back on our internal resources more. This is why I think mental exercise as we age is very important. By internal life, I mean continuing to have a rich mental, emotional and spiritual life.

Mental: not just playing bingo and reading mags, but rather continuing to engage with ideas and issues.

Emotional: being other centred in our emotions, letting ourselves be moved by others, rather than retreating inside ourselves.

Spiritual: finding purpose and meaning in life. As a Christian, I intend to be soaking in God’s word, meditating on it, and moreover still allowing God to transform me. I hope to resist the temptation in age to decide I needn’t bother with this anymore. A life without transformation is both dreary and eventually poisonous.

2. A useful life. I hope to work as long as possible, perhaps gradually cutting back on what I do. I hope also in retirement to use my time to help others for as long as I can. As I get less active, I will need to be creative in thinking how to be of service to God and others. Even from a bed or chair I hope I can pray and I can encourage others.

3. A loving life. I hope to have companionship. So I figure it is to my benefit to love others as much as I can, so that they might want to spend a little time round a doddery old lady.

Thanks to all for your concern and prayers about my grandmother. I’ll let you know what happens as I get any news.

Grandmother ok

Thanks to all for their concern. My grandmother is still alive, and looks like she will make it. This is n0thing short of miraculous at her age and health. She came out of ICU Saturday night. She has been very depressed, but over the last couple of days has started being happier. She has a long recovery process ahead, and we think it is highly probable she will need to go into a nursing home after that, which she won't like. We suspect she will like it more than she realises, as she will have people around all day.

grandmother sick

Please pray: my grandmother who is almost 90, is in an ICU, is very sick. She hasn't been able to eat for days (due to a bowel obstruction and subsequent operations) and is currently also unable to breathe properly without help. She has done very well to make it through this far, but it is still uncertain.

playing favourites

I just finished reading Jodi Picoult's my sister's keeper. Not my favourite author, but she does write about gripping issues. It is about a girl conceived by her parents and chosen out of several embryos to save the life of her sister who has leukemia, and the consequences for her and the entire family. While about a specific medical ethical conundrum, which was of interest in itself (I end up having problems with throwing away the other embryos, but can understand the motivation of the parents), it raises questions more generally for me about how we balance the needs of the different children in the family. Obviously, if one child is ill or has some other special need, that will affect the others greatly. But in any family, I think, this balancing act occurs. For us at the moment, Sparky our eldest, often has to be aware of the needs of the younger Owl (for instance by being quiet when he sleeps). How much of this is good for a child, as it teaches being other centred, and when does it start to affect the child negatively, for example unwittingly telling a child they are less important than the other?

a big weekend

On Sunday, Owl was dedicated to God (the baptist version of Christening). Many friends turned up for the day, and also I had the wonderful privilege of baptising people - I love this particular part of a pastor's job! I'm very feminine about it - I'm so happy I hug them when they come out of the water! Talking about owls, I am about to make a little owl for Owl (see this wonderful friend's blog, who has designed one for me! - thanks Prue!) So, in his honour, a little Owl story -at all of 10 months, he has worked out when TV shows are about to finish when the closing music comes on, and looks up and waves and says buh buh (which we think is bye bye). Is he watching too much TV ;)? That's Owl in the piccie - not a recent piccie. but a favourite.

On Saturday, I went out for my grandmother's birthday - she turned 89 - Happy Birthday Marty! (there is a long involved and way too boring story about why we call my grandmother that .....)

Well besides the big days in my family, other, obsiously less important ;) things happened this weekend - I haven't been blogging for a few days because all I wanted to do was talk election, and I didn't want to bore or annoy you all by being overly partisan. Fortunately, my family (husband, parents, brother and sister in law) were all in agreement over the election, so we spent much time on the phone over Friday and Saturday - let's just say we were all happy and much bonding ensued. What was a funny little coincidence was that my parents were in Howard's electorate and my brother and sister in law in Rudd's!

Alas, I was not as happy about the outcome of Sunday night - Aussie idol. still, I had a great night in with friends making jokes about the telecast - almost as good as watching the Eurovision Song contest.

quick catch up

Me: had awful gastro thing. Better now. Meanwhile everything gone chaotic.
husband forthwith known as Bhaer (do you know your Little Women?): Busy essaying
Sparky: is reading his first readers.
Owl: is waving and crawling everywhere
The house: less said the better
The garden:lovely and neat - will post piccies soon
Facebook: ah the addiction continues unabated...

Just watching Aussie idol as I write this and an early fave is Holly.

window safety

my cousin's boy -4 yearsold -fell out of a 2 storey window on sunday. on to concrete. he is miraculously alive and not paralysed, though with a fracture in his neck - waiting to find out what this means. please pray.

but also , please be aware of window safety in your home. kids can be expected to do the unexpected.

boys, balls and ballet

It looks likely I will be the mum of boys only (considering due to medical reasons we are stopping now). I never imagined this would be the case - I always thought that I would have one of each, or maybe just girls. I was a very girly girl growing up, all pink, barbies, ballet and fairies. The comment we keep getting is: now you can have your own footie team. I don't think there is a comparable comment for multiple girls. So, there is this masculine ideal for all boy families - this idea that now I am fated to be a soccer mum. I really can't see me as that kind of boys' mum - all sensible hair and tracksuits. Anyway, I would rather have an all boy family like one I knew grewing up - each one of 4 sons grew up to be successful (using the term in a fulfilled rather than worldly sense) in very different ways - they were all allowed to be themselves - no matter whether that fulfilled stereotypes or not. Perhaps having all one gender is liberating in a way - as we don't have both genders we can't influence the girls to be all girly and the boys boyish - we can treat each child as a person, not a gender.

individualistic culture v women

I'm going to make a grand sweeping historical statement here, but in general I believe, in most cultures at most times, women were not expected to be at home by themselves all day everyday looking after several children and the household by themselves. In our western post industrial, go it alone, nuclear family culture, we think the women who struggle with this are suffering with depression, rather than having an entirely appropriate reaction to their situation. But I think children are meant to be brought up by the extended family and the community. One thing that impresses me about chinese culture ( I work at a chinese church) is that the expectation is that grandparents will provide live in help for a few months after the birth of a baby. This comes with restrictions on the activities of the mother that we might chafe against, but recognises I think, that babies are a responsibility that requires support. My belief is that God intended this: a whole loving community to bring up children together, though with the main input from the parents. I think we are too affected by culture in how we do this as western christians. Part of the problem is us, the mums - we need to be less proud, and more willing to accept help.