eccentricity

My 2 year old, Scout, just gave me an insight into how others might see me. He brought me over my new box of cotton buds and said yours Mummy! and proceeded to get me some out. I realised I am the only person in the house that uses them. And I use them fairly frequently - I don't like the feeling of dirty waxy ears. And then realised it is probably odd to keep them in the living room. Which I seem to have got into the habit of recently- I hasten to add we have a small bathroom without much storage room. I had an image of myself as an elderly lady with my economy sized pack of cotton buds, a house littered with used buds scattered everywhere, and trying to give them away to any visitors.

And I realised this was a possible eccentricity. And started to wonder what other eccentricities I had. There is the not liking socks thing, as it feels my feet can't breathe, just for starters.

Btw, Scout has been sick the last 2 days but seems to be on the mend. And I have been very busy, hence only 4 posts for August!

womanhood and drop dead diva

We have just started a study series looking at womanhood with the 16-21 year old women at church. We had a fantastic discussion in our first one, particularly about the conflicting messages society sends women - for instance that you should be loved for who you are (as long as you are underweight, under 30 and constantly well groomed). That motherhood is very important - but that you are a nobody without a flourishing career.

I found at the ancient age of 35 I could contribute a lot to the discussion of what it is like to be a woman. For instance, I know at that age I was full of self righteous assertions that I would grow old gracefully. Now, as the first wrinkles and grey hairs appear, I have started to understand the measures many women take to keep a semblance of youth.

Then last night I watched the new TV show Drop Dead Diva. Having read the promo material I expected to see a fat woman as the star - in fact she was an attractive woman in her early 30s who was somewhat overweight, and looked like many women do at her age (that's her in the picture above, Brooke Elliot) - except in TVland, of course. I enjoyed the show and think on the whole it might be good as a corrective on this sort of thing - well except that almost every other woman on the pilot show was skinny. Still Tvland...

Well, I better stop gazing anxiously in the mirror at the obviously Botox free forehead I am developing and go back to looking at my Bible, which declares me to be of a great worth not dependent on my outward appearance. Hang on, is that a grey hair in my eyebrow....

Middle age?

I turned 35 today, which my mum kindly called middle age - I insisted with greater life expectancy these days middle age must really start post 40!

I do feel a little different today. I had a major breakthrough with those people that solicit your attention at shopping centres (charity people, cosmetic salespeople...). I usually get stuck talking trying to be nice and think up excuses to go- not any longer! I just decided today that no, I owed nothing to these people except politeness, and I could be polite, honest and brief. So, to one person I said "thanks, I don't want to stop" with a smile. To another (a pushy salesperson) I said no thanks and when pressed, said no thanks, I'm just enjoying myself today, and smiled and left.
And I got great responses to this too- I think they appreciated my polite honesty.

So that's less being nice for me, and more doing good - cause I reckon there is a lot more niceness than actual goodness going around. And I am guilty of this as much as the next person.

So, my day? my lovely husband did kid duty while I went out by myself, then came home for cake with the kids. Takeaway at night and a DVD. Also saw slumdog millionaire the night before with Mim (see sidebar!). And came home to lots and lots of lovely Facebook messages!

Memories...

I have always thought that memory was one of the things that give you identity, meaning and relationship. I still think that, and so when people ask me whether we remember each other in heaven I say of course. But visiting my grandmother I have seen the other side of memory in this faulty world of ours. As she slips further nto dementia, she is the happiest she has been in years. One reason is I believe she can't recall those things which gave her regret and bitterness. What seems to stay with her the most is the people she loves. She can't always remember names - but she remembers the relationships between people better. She always remembers who I am, even if sometimes my name escapes her. Perhaps ths is what is behind the biblical use of remembrance - God no longer remembers our sin, but remembers us and so saves us. It is not then that God can't recall our sin, but that like a lost memory it no longer has any power.

Living to a good old age??

My grandmother continues in hospital, alive and slowly getting better, but not very happy or motivated to stay alive. It almost seems that maybe it would have been kinder if she had died, but I trust in God that there is a reason for her staying with us. She turns 90 in less a month, and watching her and also remembering my grandfather post 90 (he died aged 93 a couple of years ago), I recently said to my family that I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay alive past 90, particularly as I have a hope of better things! Of course, medicine may improve the lot of 90 year olds in 56 years time. (on the other hand I do wish to get past the death ages of my other grandparents, one 50s and the other 60s )

I have been reflecting a lot on what makes old age liveable. I thought I might share with you my thoughts about this, though I suspect I will be thinking through these issues continually as I age. So, here are my preliminary thoughts.

Old age becomes liveable if you have:

1. A rich interior life. Although we can do our best to stay in good physical condition for as long as possible, if we live long enough, there comes a time when we will be forced to be less active. We are then forced back on our internal resources more. This is why I think mental exercise as we age is very important. By internal life, I mean continuing to have a rich mental, emotional and spiritual life.

Mental: not just playing bingo and reading mags, but rather continuing to engage with ideas and issues.

Emotional: being other centred in our emotions, letting ourselves be moved by others, rather than retreating inside ourselves.

Spiritual: finding purpose and meaning in life. As a Christian, I intend to be soaking in God’s word, meditating on it, and moreover still allowing God to transform me. I hope to resist the temptation in age to decide I needn’t bother with this anymore. A life without transformation is both dreary and eventually poisonous.

2. A useful life. I hope to work as long as possible, perhaps gradually cutting back on what I do. I hope also in retirement to use my time to help others for as long as I can. As I get less active, I will need to be creative in thinking how to be of service to God and others. Even from a bed or chair I hope I can pray and I can encourage others.

3. A loving life. I hope to have companionship. So I figure it is to my benefit to love others as much as I can, so that they might want to spend a little time round a doddery old lady.

Thanks to all for your concern and prayers about my grandmother. I’ll let you know what happens as I get any news.