Equal Parenting?

I was intrigued to read an article recently about a couple who advocate a strict form of equal parenting, called Equally Shared Parenting. In this model, parents do the same amount of childcare, same amount of house tasks, and same hours at work.

Already, it sounds very inflexible doesn't it? It seems to me only some couples would have the ability to choose exactly equal hours at work - and in the present economic climate, employees will be grateful for retaining their job, even if it isn't exactly the right number of hours. Different jobs have a different degree of flexibility, too.

For us, my work is more flexible than my husband's work. I have also wanted to breastfeed, and with both sons was unable to pump. I have been blessed however, that Bhaer's work isn't high powered overtime kinda work, and so he has been working around a 4 day week while the kids are little, while I have worked a roughly 2.5 day week (20 hours), from 3 months old with both boys, including being able to do some of that work at home. So, because he works more hours at a paid job than myself, and also for 2 years was studying (both of us agreed it was the right time for him to do this) I have taken up more of the childcare and housework. This, I think, is a fair enough way to do things in the present state of society, and shouldn't be made to look like it somehow suppresses me as a woman (though you may argue that society as a whole should be more supportive of all parents!), or shortchanges our children.

Yet that said, when out of curiosity I went to their website, I found their approach did have something going for it. I used their toolbox, which enables you to calculate how many tasks of childcare, paid work, housework and recreation you each take on. The idea is that you try to even this out, which I don't think is necessary or always achievable.

Yet it was worthwhile to look at how we divide things.

I found that while I do do more housework, when all tasks are taken into consideration such as paying bills, or arranging house maintenance, Bhaer is doing more than I gave him credit for, especially given he does do more paid work. Perhaps then, if I am dissatisfied with this, it is that I want to share tasks rather then divide them up. It might be fairer then for me to say I could take on for instance some bill paying, if he does some more dishwashing, rather than make it sound like he does nothing. Or to acknowledge what he does, but admit that I need a bit more help (i.e. my needs, rather than his slackness being the issue).

I also discovered that neither of us gets much recreation. As a couple then, we need to help each other both do this, rather than sit around feeling pity for ourselves.

The area of real inequity (rather than just perceived) was strangely, in tasks to do with the children. It was not only that I did more childcare generally, which is how our arrangement works and was OK with me, but that I took on every child related task - some were shared, and many were just me, and there was only one task really that he did rather than me. Tasks included, for instance, buying pressies for kids' friends, managing the kids' wardrobes, packing the bag to go out. This has several consequences. Firstly, it is a hidden source of stress and work for me. This revealed why I felt overworked. It also meant that while I spend time with the kids doing tasks, when Bhaer is with them it can be more about fun. So it was unfair on me and the kids. But it was also unfair I think, for Bhaer. I then am perceived by the children as the one who gets things done and knows what's what. It is not that Bhaer refuses to do these things - it is just that he doesn't even think about them needing to be done. And I don't tell him. So, it told me that these tasks must also be considered when we review our schedules.

I guess where I come to after all that, is not to say we all should be splitting everything down the middle. That's not how life works (breastfeeding for instance, is hard to share equally.....). Rather, that however we decide to split things up, it can be helpful to do so in detail taking into account ALL the tasks of family life. That way, we can make informed decisions about how our family works, rather than falling into patterns that we may/may not be happy with, and may/may not work.

Hmm, what do I call that? Thoughtful, considered parenting perhaps?